Monday, June 13, 2011

Romantic Scene from REMAINDERS (aka CRIMSON)

**Final UPDATE** Just found out I got first place! So excited I can barely stand it! It sounds like I get a query critique and first 25 pages critique from Weronika! I can't wait to hear her feedback!!! Thanks everyone! (Sorry for all the exclamation points. :) )

**UPDATE** I am officially a finalist! Thanks everyone!

Gabriela Lessa is having a Love All Year Long Contest judged by literary agent Weronika Janczuk, of Lynn C. Franklin Associates, Ltd.

Seeing as how this is right up my ally, I decided to FINALLY start my writing blog (Still thinking of a better title) and try to participate. (Hopefully, not too late!) Here goes...

Melinda Williams
Entry word count:
738 words
Manuscript word count:
90,000 words
Link number:

“I think we could use a break from all this depressing stuff.” He watched the rain fall through the darkness of the yard. A tilted grin replaced his stern expression. “What do you say?”

“You’re joking.” He couldn’t possibly mean what I guessed.

“No, I’m not.” He stood and held out his hand. “Come on, it’ll make you feel better. It always does me.”

I didn’t move.

“Fine. I guess I’ll have to go by myself.” He jumped from the porch and walked into the downpour. He stopped when he reached the driveway and turned toward me again. His black eyes only met mine for a second before he closed them and tilted his face to the sky. His arms outstretched on each side, palms up.

I stood and leaned against the pillar. Peace filled me as I watched him soak in nature so pleasurably. His divine power seemed to glow around his noble stature. The most graceful thing I’d ever seen.

I decided to do what I normally wouldn’t and jumped down into the wet grass. When I stood before him on the driveway, I matched his position. Soft drops of water licked the skin on my arms, face, and neck. I closed my eyes and let the supremacy of Mother Nature clear my head. I focused my senses on the setting, not letting anything else in. The sound of the heavy rain hitting puddles, the feel of water cooling my flesh, the satisfying smell of refreshed life.

Every inch of my body relaxed, and all my anxiety evaporated. Christian had been right. It worked. So easily, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t been enjoying this part of the world before. For the time being, nothing mattered. Something so simple, so beautiful, was more powerful than any drug.

When I opened my eyes again, Christian was watching me. His white shirt had become soaked and clung to his carved body. His dark hair, saturated, stuck to his forehead. Hunger pooled in his eyes.

“Nice, huh?” He stepped towards me. I stiffened, certain I didn’t look anywhere as good as he did completely drenched.

I nodded and folded my arms. The way he was looking at me brought cartwheel type stars circling my head. He slowly got closer and closer.

“You should teach that to everyone,” I said in a cracking voice.

“I just did,” he breathed near my ear and wrapped his arms around me. His palms pressed into the small of my back. I lost the ability to speak as my blood started flowing in rapid speeds. He leaned into me and rested his forehead on mine. His warm breath tickled the bridge of my nose. Mine came out just as rapid and heavy—I needed the extra oxygen to stay conscious.

My arms unfolded and came up over his. My hands ran the length of his arms and stopped just under his shoulders, my fingers sneaking under the hem of his sleeves.

A moan rumbled from his throat. “Do you know how nervous that makes me?” he said, his voice deep.

My grip immediately loosened, and I tried to back off.

He pulled me closer. “No, don’t.”

My hands returned to him.

“Your touch reminds me of heaven,” he said in a whisper. “Literally.”

I shuddered, sure I could pass out.

“This is the beginning of everything that matters,” he said before dropping his moist lips to mine. His hands moved the hair from the sides of my face and pulled me even closer, making each kiss more ardent than the previous.

My head fuzzed, and my hunger for him made it easy to forget the importance of breathing. We’d never been this alone before. His eager hold made it obvious he noticed it too. The delight from my blossoming feelings only increased when I thought of how extraordinary Christian was and how he loved me. It quickly grew overwhelming, but in a good way. I relished in every moment of it.

“Maybe we should get back,” he whispered between kisses. He seemed hesitant but eventually let his face drop near my neck, his hands remaining tangled in the back of my hair. “Yes, we should definitely be getting back,” he sighed.

The overpowering mood lingered, and we had to force ourselves away from each other. I easily felt the respect he had for me, which caused my feelings for him to heighten.


  1. You know, you say at the top that this is YA, but it really doesn't feel like a YA voice. If I hadn't read that, I'd read this as being an adult romance. The characters sound too mature for teens.

    And this line, really pulled me out of the story : 'His divine power seemed to glow around his noble stature.' It made me think we were dealing with a paranormal romance here, but no other mention of powers etc was made, so I have to assume this was just an odd way to describe his charisma.

    I think you're on the right track here, but maybe try and read it aloud to see where things sound just a little off.

  2. I think this may be paranormal romance as he said that her touch reminded him of heaven, literally, like he'd been there before. I like this piece. Love the line, "This is the beginning of everything that matters", very romantic! (Wish my husband had said that to me, major brownie points). Loved the imagery conjured up in the section when they stand out in the rain, too.

    The line with "cartwheel type stars" seemed awkward. Maybe just "cartwheel stars", would leave the reader with the same idea. Also, this line confused me: "My hands ran the length of his arms and stopped just under his shoulders, my fingers sneaking under the hem of his sleeves." I read it several times and still didn't get it. I think the problem lies in the "hem of his sleeves". This makes me think more of the cuff-area, rather than the shoulders, where her hands are, (especially if the fingers can sneak under it). One more nit-picky thing: "I watched him soak in nature so pleasurably", seemed off somehow. Maybe "with such pleasure" would work better. Just a suggestion. Good job and good luck!

  3. Thanks for the comments. I unfortunately had to send mine off before I got them though.

    BTW I wanted them to sound like mature teenagers, because with they lives they've faced they have to be... Hard to know that with just reading an excerpt. :)

  4. Wow, I'm impressed. I'm nit a writer, but it sounded great to me. It caught my attention and made me want to read more.

  5. Congratulations! You're the big winner!!!!! So glad you entered at the last minute and started your blog for this contest! Email me about your prize!

  6. And I'm following too...just love a contest junkie :-)

    One contest is the first of a truckload. Good job snagging that first place win! Weronika J. is wonderful so you'll have to share her comments with all of us...

    Cheers, Ash

  7. Congratulations! Your submission was fantastic! It was a well-deserved win. Savor every minute of it.

  8. nice! You got me hooked. Plus, I'm a big fan of rain : )

    following you now.


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